Virtual Reality: A Farmer Monkey Design
My CV-Games colleague Nate Weaver got me thinking: you know, virtual reality is without a doubt the wave of the future. So I took the trouble to contact one of the most insightful and successful hardware companies in the video game industry to assist me in creating my brainchild. What follows is a brief diary on my virtual reality crusade.
Courting the Company
Day 1: Atari Adventure
As I burst through the doors of Atari, Incorporated, wild-eyed and wailing ‘The Power of Love’ by Huey Lewis and the News at the top of my lungs, I was tackled by security guards with a few yards of the doormat. They apparently didn’t share my fervor for virtual reality, and they expressed their lack of vision by bludgeoning me repeatedly with nightsticks. Just as I was about to pull some art of dragon on them, the bell for their lunch break sounded and they left me a bruised and bloody heap by the front door.
Freelance Hardware Assembly
Day 2: The Hermit
Having lost my faith in corporate America, I decided that bold ideas like mine would require some less conservative assistance. So I hired a reputable private detective, Cornelius H. McMasters to track down the former Nintendo employee that created “Virtual Boy” or whatever that contraption was that stayed on the market for about half as long as crystal Pepsi. I played one once at a local K-Mart. You stuck your eyes into these giant goggles, and are treated to the undiluted visual candy of a hodgepodge of vaguely related red lines, which flew at your face and attempted to liquefy the contents of your eye sockets. Fortunately, the brain responded to this torture by initiating paralyzing seizures. But I digress.
McMasters finally cornered my business partner at his ranch in northern Wisconsin. Apparently, he’d been living in a small cabin constructed with a red frame and no siding or roof. Over a dinner of broiled gopher at his residence, I unveiled the plans for my new virtual reality system. Awestruck, he quickly signed on for the project.
The Magic Begins
Day 3: Product Assembly
Now that I had acquired a man experienced in hardware assembly, I began the physical creation of my masterpiece.
I first constructed what I like to call “Virtual Reality Suit +5”. Suits one through four I was forced to scrap after they fused themselves to the test subject’s skin. My goal was to make a suit as hip and intimidating as the one that Charlie Sheen wore in “Wraith”:
Unfortunately I was working with something of a limited budget:
Bear in mind that this is only a prototype. The suit will contain all of the technical gadgets necessary, much like the suit Nate talked about in his article. Also, the helmet will secrete a nerve toxin that will render the player paralyzed for up to 36 hours after dying in a game. No more rushing through tutorials and ignoring speech sequences!
Also, there will be a couple of key differences from Nate’s system. I wanted my system to be compatible with all kinds of games, in any conditions, anywhere! How could I bring such an absurdly absurd to being? Why through MAGIC of course!
Yes, the Monkey 3000 Virtual Reality console will be the first-ever video game system to be powered by magic! Here’s how it works:
First, we patiently wait for rain to fall, and then follow the rainbow to its end. But instead of tipping off the leprechaun dutifully waiting at the end, we follow him home. We then kidnap the leprechaun and his family.
In order to power our console, leprechauns are fed into the machine. I’ll sum up the process with the following diagram:
*Blood and a nauseating smell are also produced
We here at Monkey Enterprises recommend enslaving a few leprechauns for procreation purposes; after all, you don’t want to have to go through the trouble of constantly kidnapping them. Or, for the low, low price of $29.99, you can also purchase leprechauns from us here at CV-Games. *
* I didn’t actually consult Kaleb on this one. Kaleb threw a little tantrum when he found his living room carpet saturated with Irish whiskey and leprechaun vomit, and forced me to release the little buggers.
The Monkey 3000 Virtual Reality Console +8 will be available at stores soon, and will retail for around $50,000. I would love to tell you more about our upcoming release, but I have to go finish cleaning the Kaleb’s carpet stains. Darn filthy leprechauns…
- Everything on My Mind: Nintendo Direct E3 2019
- Everything on My Mind: Bethesda E3 2019
- Everything on My Mind: Microsoft E3 2019
- Everything on My Mind: Pre-E3 2019
- Everything on My Mind: Super Mario Maker 2
- Site Issues
- N3: Nightly News Narration 9.22.17 Vampyr, TGS, & More
- N3: Nightly News Narration 9.17.17: Switch, Obsidian, & More
- N3: Nightly News Narration 9.13.17: New iPhones, NES Classic, & More
- N3: Nightly News Narration 9.11.17: Obsidian, Bethesda, & More