Before the announcement of the Xbox One, we correctly predicted what their stance would be regarding their next-generation console–then rumored to be called Xbox 720. Today, Microsoft, after months and months of defending their DRM and online policies, officially backed off in a statement released. We are going to be analyzing their statement with our own commentary. 

Also, for those of you who feel what I am about to read is harsh, I would do the same to ANY company that asks for a do-over like this.

Don Mattrick released this statement today:
“Last week at E3, the excitement, creativity and future of our industry was on display for a global audience.”
[Translation: Sony beat the tar out of us and we know how badly we are losing this console war before it even starts.]

“For us, the future comes in the form of Xbox One, a system designed to be the best place to play games this year and for many years to come. As is our heritage with Xbox, we designed a system that could take full advantage of advances in technology in order to deliver a breakthrough in game play and entertainment. We imagined a new set of benefits such as easier roaming, family sharing, and new ways to try and buy games. We believe in the benefits of a connected, digital future.”
[Translation: screw the core gamer who is being fussy about our Hitler-like stances. We want total and complete control over your souls. Also, do you know how hard it is to change the control we had planned for the gaming industry and its users?]

“Since unveiling our plans for Xbox One, my team and I have heard directly from many of you, read your comments and listened to your feedback. I would like to take the opportunity today to thank you for your assistance in helping us to reshape the future of Xbox One.”
[Translation: I am lucky I still have a job today. In reality, me and the management team at Xbox should be immediately fired for screwing up this badly.]

“You told us how much you loved the flexibility you have today with games delivered on disc. The ability to lend, share, and resell these games at your discretion is of incredible importance to you. Also important to you is the freedom to play offline, for any length of time, anywhere in the world.”
[Translation: you shunned us at E3 and made our global reveal event a joke, hardcore gamers. Why can’t you just be quiet?]

“So, today I am announcing the following changes to Xbox One and how you can play, share, lend, and resell your games exactly as you do today on Xbox 360. Here is what that means:
An internet connection will not be required to play offline Xbox One games – After a one-time system set-up with a new Xbox One, you can play any disc based game without ever connecting online again. There is no 24 hour connection requirement and you can take your Xbox One anywhere you want and play your games, just like on Xbox 360.”
[Translation: we are forcing a one time Internet connection just cause we can, There really isn’t a need for it. We just want you to know we can turn it back into an always online console any time we want. 

Hey Sony, you can take back your E3 Press Conference comments now!!]

“Trade-in, lend, resell, gift, and rent disc based games just like you do today – There will be no limitations to using and sharing games, it will work just as it does today on Xbox 360.”
[Translation: GameStop threatened to not carry the system so we caved in on their demands.]

“In addition to buying a disc from a retailer, you can also download games from Xbox Live on day of release. If you choose to download your games, you will be able to play them offline just like you do today. Xbox One games will be playable on any Xbox One console — there will be no regional restrictions.”
[Translation: we just changed years of planning and the months of defending our stance because of the whining gaming elite snobs. Thanks yall!]

“These changes will impact some of the scenarios we previously announced for Xbox One. The sharing of games will work as it does today, you will simply share the disc. Downloaded titles cannot be shared or resold. Also, similar to today, playing disc based games will require that the disc be in the tray.”
[Translation: anything and everything we announced and defended was a horrible idea and we are sorry for bringing it up. It really was Sony’s idea and they told us they were going to do it. Seriously!!!]

“We appreciate your passion, support and willingness to challenge the assumptions of digital licensing and connectivity. While we believe that the majority of people will play games online and access the cloud for both games and entertainment, we will give consumers the choice of both physical and digital content. We have listened and we have heard loud and clear from your feedback that you want the best of both worlds.”
[Translation: we hate the Core gamer and feel like they ruined our plans. We are plotting the death of Master Chief and will soon reveal his death to the world! We will have the last laugh!!!]

“Thank you again for your candid feedback. Our team remains committed to listening, taking feedback and delivering a great product for you later this year.”
[If you complain about this announcement, we will just shut down the Xbox Division and give up. We mean it!!!]

Thanks for letting us poke fun at you, Microsoft. We are seriously excited you decided to take this console war seriously and now have a fighting chance against the PS4. This fall should be exciting!

By Kaleb Rutherford – 06/19/13

Screenshots for Xbox One Asks for a Mulligan